Sunday, April 30, 2017
Wow, it has been a while since I have even looked at a blog. I was hoping for a post that I can just spill out my entire heart out. I guess I'm still waiting and hoping. You see, hope is useless when you have been messed up your whole life. I just think hope is for the people who are always strong and get broken down some way some how. Not me, I have been broken for the longest and at first I hoped that someone would help me deal with what I was feeling but now I kind of let this whole "Life with depression" thing control me. People say I need to just be hopeful or that everything is gonna be okay but I won't because it is not gonna be okay. IT NEVER IS. Maybe I should pray right? That's a stupid question because I'm Athiest so its pointless kind of like my life. I hate talking about positivity because I'm not a positive person...simply. I just think hope is overrated unless you are religious. My hope has faded, I have been waiting for something that is never gonna come. How is hope restored? To be honest I don't even care. I don't want it anymore, it is way too late for hopefulness. I don't need anything anymore especially some bullshit lie that was created to give people the idea that everything is going to be okay when it's not and they know it, I know it, you know it. But maybe the reason why I haven't completely given up is because deep, deep down I still have hope. And that's what I hate because I don't know if it is because I have never experienced it and it is too big to just trust someone. I can't do this.
Thursday, March 30, 2017
Omelas is a utopian city where the people lead lives that are happy, in the best sense of the word. The city has a guarantee of happiness but there is a bargain. The bargain is this: In a room under the city is a stunted, frightened, malnourished child, and everyone in Omelas knows that the child is there.The child is locked in a closet and shown off to those who wish to see it. It is fed half a bowl of cornmeal mush a day and is left to sit naked in filth. The child barely talks nor does it get talked to. The city’s happiness is dependent on the misery of this one child.There are some people who leave Omelas shortly after viewing the child and they do not return. I believe the child represents the selfishness of man. The innocent and mistreated child is punished to provide the people of the Omelas with happiness. The child is almost a Christ symbol because he is giving his life so that Omelas may survive. If the child were allowed to go free, everything would be messed up. The people who walk away from Omelas are the ones who choose to do what is right, instead of what is easy. It is an irreversible choice, and it means severing oneself from the community forever. But who would want to be part of a community like this anyway, to sacrifice one child for the peace of all?
Wednesday, January 11, 2017
I'm generally not a happy person so finding things that make me happy is difficult. If I had to answer, I would say that my friends make me happy. Just being around them and the positive vibes they send me. They are there for me through some of the hardest moments in my life and I truly appreciate that. Knowing that there are people here for me makes me happy. What makes me happy isn't what I would consider as happiness. Happiness, as defined in the dictionary, is the state of being happy. I believe this the definition because happiness is what you make it, as long as you're happy. Sometimes I think, waking up with a purpose is a sign of happiness. No one is truly happy until they figure out why they are here on this earth. This is what I imagine when I think of me and happiness as one. I try desperately to run through the sand as I hold the water in my palm because it's all that I have and it's all that I need. The waves of the water mean nothing to me. I try my best and all that I can to hold tightly onto what's left in my hand. But no matter how tightly I strain the sand will slow me down and the water will drain. Happiness with me comes but never has it stayed. Happiness can be important to me but not always. Sometimes when I'm at a low point happiness seems so important. When I'm at a point where I'm just there then that's when happiness seems unimportant. In that part of my life, I'm just trying to figure why I don't feel down. A question I get often is, "Why are you so unhappy?" There has never been a straight answer for that because I don't know. Happiness just seems so ungraspable and I don't even care anymore. I really can't speak for other people but I have stuff going on I'm my life so often unhappiness is normal and being happy is a surprise. It should never be that way, but it is and I'm okay with that.
Thursday, November 10, 2016
Self-control is the ability to control oneself, especially in difficult situations. When I hear the term self-control I immediately think of impulse. I tend to act on impulse which results in getting in trouble. I am well aware that I do not have self-control but I do not care enough to make a change. When I was kicked off the cheer team, I immediately went over my coaches head and his boss allowed me to cheer that Friday. In the end, I was just suspended but that is not the point. The things I do not only affect me but the people around me. My coach told me that what I did was wrong and it hurt him. That is not the only time I have done something reckless. In fact, I have zero self-control and that is on the list of behavioral issues I need to work on.
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
In elementary school, there were very few African Americans. All of my friends were actual Caucasian. Since we were so "different", they treated me as if I came from another planet. The phrase "your people" was used a lot toward me and at the time I just went along with it becauseI didn't know anything about racism and stereotypes. I remember a few questions:
- Why is your skin so dark?
- Do all your people eat chicken?
- Why do all you brown people speak so weird?
These are the ones I remember because I was so young that I didn't even know the answers and it's astonishing. Stereotypiing and Racism can go hand and hand but It's not always that way. People can stereotype me all the time but when I end up being the exact opposite they will be mad.
Imagine going through the door of a sacred place. My favorite place doubles as my sacred place. No one is allowed inside unless I'm there. The lights stay off when I am sad but the blinds open when I'm happy. Within this place, there is something that shows me the way other people see me. This thing is always my pal, but other times I need it to see where I'm at in life and to reflect. There is also a spot where I can lay my head and rid my problems. Sometimes when I'm there I see things I wish I hadn't but, some things you can't take back. My favorite place is so amazing. You can walk in with worries and leave with a smile. My favorite place triples as my sacred place and my bedroom.